Wednesday, March 5, 2008

What if?

Tomorrow is the day my baby Boo has surgery.
Tonight I'm franitcally running around trying to organize three different bags for three different kids. Bug will be staying the night tomorrow with his grandma, so he needs clothes and such. Punk will be with grandma during the surgery, but come home afterwards, but she still has to have all the baby bells and whistles (diapers, cream, plugs) and frozen breastmilk. An iceburg's worth. Just in case.
Boo has to have his hospital bag, with diapers, books, toys, and the important items, such as his favorite blanket, a new stuffed sheep bought just for this occassion, and his woobie.
I feel like I'm planning the invasion of Normandy.
And getting caught with my pants down.
I think its just Mommy panic. I know he'll be fine, but there's that nasty little voice whispering "what if?" in the back of my mind. Someone's kid has to have complications. What if its mine?
How will I hand my blue eyed baby over to a stranger (albeit a nurse) and entrust his well being to people I don't know? What if something happens and I'm not there? If I'm with him, he'll be fine. I know he'll be fine if I'm there because I won't allow him to be anything but fine. I'll breathe for him. I'll make his heart beat. I will hold onto him with every fiber of my being until he's safely through surgery and back in my arms.
I'm his Mommy, and I can do that.
But because of stupid hospital regulations, I have to give my child into someone else's care. And for an hour and a half, I'll be waiting on word that he's fine and I can hold him again.
I never thought my arms would feel empty again, but I'm afraid for a time tomorrow, they will.
And all I'll be thinking is "what if?".
What if I'm not there?

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