Saturday, March 8, 2008

Terrible, horrible, very bad day

Today has been one of those days as a parent when you catch yourself sympathizing with other parents who have committed infanticide.
Needless to say, its been a terrible, horrible, very bad day.
My oldest son, Bug, has in one day performed the following horrendous acts:

1. Attempted to murder his younger brother at least four times by strangulation.
2. Attempted to maim said brother half a dozen times with a closeline to the neck (Wrestling move, not the thing you hang laundry out to dry on)
3. Told his parents what he will and will not be doing.
4. Declared that he doesn't like us and would like to run away.
5. Attempted to burn down the house by shoving a whole container of baby wipes one by one through the heating vent.
And that's just the things we know about. I'm sure there are countless other diabolical acts that we are totally oblivious to. That's okay. The ones we know about are more than enough.
In this case, I'm totally fine with ignorance. It is bliss, you know.
Son #2, Boo, has spent the entire day whining and making certain we knew every time Bug even breathed on him, let alone touched him. And post surgery (Two days ago), his new favorite word is "no". Said loudly and for everything, including "Would you like us to put out the fire on your leg?"
The only child who has been good is Punk, and I find myself eyeing her suspiciously, waiting for the inner demon to emerge and rip my head off. Experience has told me it will happen, and soon, because she is the third child. It will probably be a demon wearing cute pink baby legs ( and grinnign toothlessly, but it will still be a demon.
We have reasoned, we have punished, we have talked until we are blue in the face. They will give us no quarter. They will not surrender. And they will not be ignored.
We've tried. They follow us. And they've hidden our car keys.
They are smart little demons.
Complete with cute little horns.
And pitchforks.
Truthfully, I'm at the end of my parenting wits. Nothing we've tried makes any difference. They just blissfully continue on their destructive way, looting, pillaging, burning.
Just like the happy little heathens they are.
If this is what our future generation looks like, I volunteer for the Mars mission.
I'm sure they'll find me there eventually.

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