Friday, June 19, 2009

Hard Choices

The Man and I are considering some big changes for our family that would entail hard choices on our part. Very hard choices.
But the benefits to our family would be great.
Fourteen years ago, newly wed and full of ideals, this was not the path we had planned on walking. This was not the road I had mapped in my mind.
I knew I would be a famous radio show host, complete with a huge following, hanging on every word I uttered in my sexy, raspy voice.
I have the degree, some experience, but no one hangs on my every word. And my kids couldn't care less if my voice is sexy, just so long as I don't do all four of their names, they're happy.
But, back then, I thought I knew where I was going and where we would be right now.
It's not where we've ended up. Not even close.
We are at a point in our lives where, if we don't snatch an opportunity now, we'll never have another chance.
We're at a critical juncture.
And, as we stand at the crossroads, we have a lot of information to digest and consider. Reams of it. Oodles of info. Gobs of it. Does that give you any idea how much we're processing? Yes, as in HOLY SHIT, BATMAN!
No matter what decision we make, someone will be unhappy.
Us. Family. Friends. Our children. Someone will have a possible future removed from the big chessboard that is our life. Checkmate. End game.
The Man and I have realized that, if the cards lay out right, we have an opportunity to make a better life for our children and ourselves, but, in doing so, we may have to separate from our family for a time being.
And that is a heart wrenching choice for both of us, especially me. I have never not had my family a hop, skip, and a jump away. If I want to see my mom--I just hop in the car and drive fifteen minutes. Need a babysitter? I have family here to help. Need someone to go with The Man to euthanize a family pet? Yep, family.
I have an amazing support staff here, and that is a luxury I truly appreciate.
But, by the same token, having all of my family in one location finally means if I have to leave for a little bit, I know my mom will have support and someone to make sure she's okay until we get back.
I also know my mom will retire next year, and loves to travel (as does the rest of our family. Can you say road trip?), so distance wouldn't be such a consideration. An inconvenience, but not insurmountable.
My umbilical cord has long since been cut, but my lifeline is still super strong. (As I read this, my boys both just struck a pose showing me their "muskles".) Surviving a ill parent all during my childhood made me cleave a bit more tightly to my mother. It's okay. It's the way it is. No regrets.
The same situation made my brother separate from her. Again, no recriminations, just the facts.
But maybe, just maybe, it's my brother's time. He's lived in other states. He's had his freedom to choose for his family despite familial locations and needs. And he has his regrets. Maybe this is the Universes way of letting him heal his wounds and reconnect in a new way with Mom.
To all things there is a season. And maybe this is mine. And his. And moms.
Whether or not our plans work out the way we want. Whether or not we travel 500 miles away or five minutes, the act of considering changes my perspective on life, on my family, and on my goals.
And makes me realize just how much I have grown as a woman, a mother, and as a person.
And how many more miles I have to travel before I sleep.

1 comment:

mrsrstjr said...

I can completely relate! But I know you guys will make the best decision for your family. :)