The rigors of a post pregnancy life

We were told during our pregnancy that we glowed, were beautiful, and how amazing we were.
We were informed about the horrors of childbirth and the sleepless nights that would follow. We were given advice on breast or bottle, cloth or disposable, cry it out or attachment parenting.
Everyone had advice to give.
But no one mentioned the ugly truth of a post pregnancy life.
I mean the condition of your post pregnancy body.
You know what I'm talking about.
Things that were firm and flabby, what was pert is now droopy, what was once flawless is a road map.
You know what I mean, ladies.
Looking in the mirror is something to avoid at all costs. Allowing our husbands to see us naked in the harsh light of day, not happening. And shopping for clothes, now that's the stuff of nightmares.
Lets not even talk about the changes in your bathroom habits. Pushing out an eight plus pound chub out of your body is not exactly conducive to bathroom comfort, if you know what I mean.
And your healthy happy baby is supposed to make it all worthwhile.
Okay, so in some small way it does, but i really want my smokin' hot pre-baby body back all the same.
And I'm making it my goal in life to be honest. No, you are not glowing and you looked like Shamus lumbering down the street. Your ankles are now cankles and you are retaining enough water for the Olympic swim team to do laps. Your body will not be recognizable post delivery as anything but a weepy, saggy mess. You will leak and sway when you walk. Your hair will fall out beginning on your baby's third month of life. Your skin texture and moisture level will change, and you will feel about as attractive as a mildewed sack of potatoes.
Welcome to motherhood, baby.