Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A baby is just wired wrong

I know its not just me.
Every mother thinks it at least once.
My baby girl, Punk, has just turned five months old.
And she's turned into a demon.
Seriously, complete with a cute little tail and horns. I pierced them, just so you know.
Punk has begun exhibiting perplexing behaviors, that I, as parent, have certainly seen before. On nature TV shows with wild monkeys.
When its time to nurse, she lets loose a Tarzanesque war cry, rubbing hr little fat hands together in glee for the approaching innocent flesh. Then, when its close enough, she pounces, grabbing the nipple and shaking her head like a dog with a favorite toy.
(Don't recommend taking it away. Been there, done that, have the shattered eardrums to prove I lasted thirty minutes before caving.)
Then, she tries to strangle me. With my shirt, a necklace, her own little chubby fingers. The result is the same. My prying her fingers off my throat while she cackles.
Then there are the flying baby feet of fury. My ribs are fractured in two places.
And the mini baby mutant monkey toes, which dig into flesh and tear it off in chunks,
So, as you can see, nursing more closely resembles a WWF wrestling match than any peaceful bonding experience. I'm cowering in my corner, wearing spandex tights with drop down nursing flap, and she' crouched in her corner, clad in a spandex diaper, wearing an evil smirk.
We know which one will be down for the count of ten.
I just don't understand her.
Last night, I walked by her pen, er activity center, only to discover the diaper blow out up the back of her pale pink onesie (that's my girl. Poop on pink!). Upon further inspection, and picking her up, I discovered that it was running down her legs and cemented in between her toes.
I gagged. She giggled.
Tonight, we had a smaller re-enactment. She was ecstatic that she was sitting in her own feces, squirming from side to side and gleefully smearing it everywhere.
What kind of person like sitting in their own stool?
I think that's a sure sign of future societal deviations and mental imbalances.
As a mother, I've come to just one conclusion.
Babies are just wired wrong.

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