Friday, February 22, 2008

No princess and the pea

There is no sleep to be had at my home for anyone over 3 1/2 feet tall.
My boys go to bed easily and with minimal fuss. They just wake up at an obscene hour, yelling at me from their bedrooms, demanding food, drink, and the luxuries of life like the wee little lords they are. I'm sure their future wives will thank me later on.
My baby had declared a war on me. She won't sleep and screeches if I get more than a hairsbreadth away from her. I think she's been taken over by aliens and is using physical contact to suck the life from my body, but that's just my theory.
Reason doesn't work, since she knows she has me by the tatas.
Begging doesn't work. She just smiles, knowing she's got me by the tatas.
Bribery fails, because . . . well, you get the picture.
She's never heard of the Geneva Convention, or if she has, she's disregarding it with all the concern of a militant warlord.
When the gods created babies, they were smart, just in case you weren't aware of that fact. Not only can they survive the strangest things, such as being throw hundreds of feet by tornadoes, but they have built in tortures devices too.
Exhibit A: A baby's ability to only sleep when their parent can't, say in the car. The police frown on parents driving while asleep. I've tried it.
Exhibit B: What other creature will a mother willingly allow to teethe on her breasts in order to feed them? Cats, dogs, and all other intelligent mammals wean their young very quickly once they grow teeth. And we're at the top of the food chain? Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Exhibit C: How much do we spend on babies every year? On clothes, diapers, formula, pictures, toys, etc? And how much do we spend on ourselves?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
My daughter has declared war and I can't even get the basic rights any other captive would have. I want my Red Cross care package, complete with Oreo cookies!

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