Fear

The Man caused my hear to stop this weak.
And not in the good "oh my Gods great sex" kind of way.
Instead, he made my heart stop in the "my husband is in an ambulance on the way to the hospital because he's having chest pains" kind of way.
After five days of terror and close proximity to my mate (whom I haven't spent that much time with in years and hope never to do again.) we learned its just his body's screwed up way of not handling stress.
Never let it be said The Man does anything the easy way.
But as I drove to the hospital, I had one of those moments.
I couldn't move beyond the fear that he was going to leave me.
And he was leaving me alone with our heathens.
Who I would have to tell that their daddy had bailed on us and high tailed it to the stars.
And whom I would raise alone.
Because no one would ever look twice at a widow with three children and jiggly thighs and stretch marks longer than the Nile River.
I looked at him and all I saw was my babies faces.
I looked at him and saw fifteen damned years of hell, happiness, hell, and hope all slipping from my grasp no matter how tightly I tried to hold on.
I looked at him and saw myself trying to teach my boys how to be men, having to buy them jock straps and having "the talk" with them. *shudder*
I saw my daughter as a young woman.
And I point blank told him he couldn't have a heart attack until I bought Punk her first bra and he realized that boys would soon come to knocking. Or until he was home alone with her and her period starts, a right of passage every daddy should endure.
I forbade him to leave me alone to muddle through raising our children. He impregnated me and signed the dotted line to see it through. I wasn't letting him break our contract.
And, although this time was blessedly a false alarm, I think it has given us both new perspective on our lives.
Neither of us wants to be the lone parent standing between our children and the world.
Because whichever sucker is left won't stand a chance in hell.
But together? I can throw him to the wolves that sprang from my loins while I jiggle my chubby butt to safety.