Sunday, December 5, 2010

Time and tide

Having lost all of my grandparents and one parent myself, yesterday, I watched my husband as he lost his last grandparent.
I watched as he cursed himself for not making it from our home in Oklahoma to Kansas to see her in the last few years.
You know those years? The ones filled with babies, work, amputations, and other losses, both emotional and financial?
Yeah. Those.
And while I understand his grief and his sadness at never having the chance to say goodbye, I also know, from experience, no amount of goodbyes or I love you's is ever enough.
If I had one more hour with my loved ones, would I be able to say all that I wanted to say as the clock ticks away those precious moments?
Would I be able to put into words my feelings, my gratitude, my everything?
Or would they already know?
I don't say I love you very often. At least not to anyone who hasn't had a time share in my uterus. My kids hear it countless times a day and for no reason other than the words bubble up in my mouth and I am compelled to speak.
The words mean little to me except for those times.
I am quite simply an "actions speak louder than words" kid of gal.
You love me? Show it?
Show it by driving through a snowstorm in March to deliver my child's 3rd birthday cake.
Show it by converging on the hospital and holding my coat while I kick The Man's doctors ass.
Show it by remembering my favorite drink and bringing me one for no apparent reason.
Show it in so many ways that seem inconsequential but are the things I remember years later.
Just show it by being you.
And so I wonder if The Man realizes that his grandma knew, both because grandma's are psychic and know everything and because he showed it in the best way he could.
When he was with her, he showed love.
As an outsider, a spectator, a unknown wife married to a beloved grandson, I was privileged to see that his grandma showed it, too.
May we all be so lucky.

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